INSOMNIA is not always bad

For those of you who know me, I won't bore you again with the details of the last few days, and for those of you who don't, I'm too embarrassed to state it for the record. No, it is not a venereal disease. Suffice to say it has been challenging, painful, at times hilarious. Just one of those things that will end up being fine: something I will write about when I get my sense of humor back about it, which shouldn't be too awful long.

I am starting to think I am learning a little something about the joke the universe/God has on us over control. I go along most of the time thinking I have a fairly big say in what does/doesn't happen to me or for me, to my family, etc. and I operate on that assumption a cocky idiot amount of time. So it's always interesting when life throws the proverbial curve ball, and there I am, helpless to catch it, watching it whiz by, complete definition out of control. I remember again that all of those things I thought I have a say in, I don't. And beyond whatever annoying details surround the circumstances of this particular situation, I am left with this uncomfortable dread, wondering what is in store. Because if I don't really have control, if planes really do fly into buildings, if people really do go, maybe it makes sense to stay at home, hovel under the covers with a king size Snickers bar and indulge in daytime TV. Maybe I'll order one of those clappers to turn out the lights and call it a day.

On the other hand, analyzing it, looking at it in a positive light (shout out to Christopher Durang), I know this lack of control also equals freedom ready for the embracing. It's just how long I'm going to allow myself to stay stuck on fear. Moving past those brings me close to what it feels to really be alive--the heart beat roller coaster up in the middle of the night because I can't quite sleep but because I am thrilled with all the possibities.

I leave for Italy in five days. I am certain I will try desperately not to overpack, and I will fail. But beyond that, I am walking into a world I have never been a part of with a group of people I have never met. I get to watch it unfold without control. I am attempting to stop short of packing any expectations.